dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
