When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
