You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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