I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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