If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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