pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
