im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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