I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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