he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
