I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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