There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
