i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
