Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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