We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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