nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
