Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
