i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
