She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.