This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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