you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
