Just cropdusted the office
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
