im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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