I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
