Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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