I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
