it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
