Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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