my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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