I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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