If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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