Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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