i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
