so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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