I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
