Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
