Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
