Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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