I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
