I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
