Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
