I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
