Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
