the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
