a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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