You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
