ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Michael Bay diarrhea
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
