I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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