We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
