I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
