Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.