She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
