at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
