I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
sarcasm needs its own font
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
