mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
