I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
