Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me