Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
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getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?