so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
