I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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