Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
