Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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