Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
